I am losing my freaking mind. Have you ever stressed so much that it came across to you physically? I don't like to ever say things about me, and most of the time it is because I feel that people don't want to know, I mean, if they wanted to know, they'd ask? wouldn't they? or they would leave me the room to tell them right? my friends, I have been keeping something in me that I have to get out, and my good friend tito has the best policy on that "just have everything out in the open", insecurities aside, it doesn't always work like that. Since about last january, my mother was diagnosed with mental illness, and I could have probably told more people, but really "how do you tell people that?". have you ever had to be the parent to your parents? She is mentally cognisent most of the time, and she is loved by so many, but I feel like a hostage most of my life in that regard. I feel like I deny myself things in life because I would feel so bad not being there for her. fuck, now I am crying typing this. I am sorry for not telling all of you, I mean, I just told JP yesterday, and he has been a close friend in my life since 1994. I am losing sleep, I have been shaking, and I am visibily disturbed that she is in the hospital right now. She's not even in there for that, and it makes me still stand on end. Our parents are supposed to be the constants in our lives and it's hard to see how my dad has to go through this, and that my mom will say things on occasion that she has no idea why she said them. she really has been getting better due to medication, no weird occasions have happened in a while. just seeing the way she was and having to take her into the hospital I dunno how to explain it, it's my mom. my mom. to top this off, I never try to put conditions on how I should love and treat people, and then it happens to me, and that's a really unfair statement to some, but nevertheless how I feel. please don't leave me pity replies or try to call and make sure steve is okay, all of you. I am just really stressed in my life right now, and I don't see it getting too much better soon. so if you ever wonder why I am vague, I am have been fighting this major insecurity in my life. I didn't really want to type this and I must sound like a complete emotional wreck. I probably am. I hope this gives some of you a better understanding as to why I am weird sometimes. I love you all and I want to be there for all of you, I'm just a little fucked up right now.