So my GrandMother had passed away over the weekend. I remember sitting there with my Mom, who took this way better than me (possibly because she was in shock), and just sitting there trying to be there for her. And with this calm fragility she was telling me about how the last time she saw my GrandMother she was telling her how she probably wouldn't see her again, and I just lost it. Anything I was trying to hold in before that was completely gone.
My Mother in no way had an easy life, and to see this woman that I know has overcome illness, loss, and assault in her past come to just sit in front of me after hearing her own Mother had passed away and be calm about it and tell me what she told me just shattered me.
In more recent years, she has become more fragile in my eyes, and the woman who raised me is not the pillar of strength that I grew up knowing, but a person who has been affected by all that has happened in her life, she moves on and keeps going and in this humble strength, I was completed broken.
I have been fighting myself alot lately to still be compassionate and not become this vacant person. Something that has pissed me off alot is that I am too much of a listener, and people expect that of me.
Trust me, if I ask- I truly want to know. But in some cases, I let people know that I am going through something (if they ask), and they continue on about other things. Not that I am trying to bring anyone down or anything, but if you are one of these people that do this, please know that you belittle what someone else is going through. You care, but you put your own needs over a true compassion. I am not saying this only to you, but also to myself, because as a person who listens too much for people I am really fighting to not become someone who wants to belittle someone else's own needs.
It's like, all my emotions are trying to just shut off sometimes and I am fighting really hard to not let that happen. If you think I am talking about you, talk to me and find out, if not, then I am probably not talking about you. And also, thank you to all who have been really supportive to me over the past few days, it really means a great deal to me.
My Mother in no way had an easy life, and to see this woman that I know has overcome illness, loss, and assault in her past come to just sit in front of me after hearing her own Mother had passed away and be calm about it and tell me what she told me just shattered me.
In more recent years, she has become more fragile in my eyes, and the woman who raised me is not the pillar of strength that I grew up knowing, but a person who has been affected by all that has happened in her life, she moves on and keeps going and in this humble strength, I was completed broken.
I have been fighting myself alot lately to still be compassionate and not become this vacant person. Something that has pissed me off alot is that I am too much of a listener, and people expect that of me.
Trust me, if I ask- I truly want to know. But in some cases, I let people know that I am going through something (if they ask), and they continue on about other things. Not that I am trying to bring anyone down or anything, but if you are one of these people that do this, please know that you belittle what someone else is going through. You care, but you put your own needs over a true compassion. I am not saying this only to you, but also to myself, because as a person who listens too much for people I am really fighting to not become someone who wants to belittle someone else's own needs.
It's like, all my emotions are trying to just shut off sometimes and I am fighting really hard to not let that happen. If you think I am talking about you, talk to me and find out, if not, then I am probably not talking about you. And also, thank you to all who have been really supportive to me over the past few days, it really means a great deal to me.
posted by stephen joseph at 12:44 PM
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