So my GrandMother had passed away over the weekend. I remember sitting there with my Mom, who took this way better than me (possibly because she was in shock), and just sitting there trying to be there for her. And with this calm fragility she was telling me about how the last time she saw my GrandMother she was telling her how she probably wouldn't see her again, and I just lost it. Anything I was trying to hold in before that was completely gone.





My Mother in no way had an easy life, and to see this woman that I know has overcome illness, loss, and assault in her past come to just sit in front of me after hearing her own Mother had passed away and be calm about it and tell me what she told me just shattered me.





In more recent years, she has become more fragile in my eyes, and the woman who raised me is not the pillar of strength that I grew up knowing, but a person who has been affected by all that has happened in her life, she moves on and keeps going and in this humble strength, I was completed broken.





I have been fighting myself alot lately to still be compassionate and not become this vacant person. Something that has pissed me off alot is that I am too much of a listener, and people expect that of me.





Trust me, if I ask- I truly want to know. But in some cases, I let people know that I am going through something (if they ask), and they continue on about other things. Not that I am trying to bring anyone down or anything, but if you are one of these people that do this, please know that you belittle what someone else is going through. You care, but you put your own needs over a true compassion. I am not saying this only to you, but also to myself, because as a person who listens too much for people I am really fighting to not become someone who wants to belittle someone else's own needs.





It's like, all my emotions are trying to just shut off sometimes and I am fighting really hard to not let that happen. If you think I am talking about you, talk to me and find out, if not, then I am probably not talking about you. And also, thank you to all who have been really supportive to me over the past few days, it really means a great deal to me.

i have no more living grandmothers...

So, we hadn't even been together a while, and they we were-getting married.
All my friends were there to cheer me on, and it was at the perfect time of day out, the sun slowly starting to go down. The Church was huge and beautiful, filled with those that I Love, in a nice warm city. And that's how it started...




About after two days of bliss, I discovered the horrible truth, the one I thought to be the love of my life had only married me for the title and status of who I am and wanted to be associated to that, I was also sure that she was seeing someone else on the side.




She was beautiful, I was heartbroken. The one thing I had waited so long for was taken from me and based on a lie. A shattered, broken shell of what could have been the great beginning to the rest of my life. I have to keep my guard up, I have to stay away from people. I need to wake up.




When I woke up I thought about how bad I was hurt, and betrayed, and crushed, and I wanted to punch this dream woman in the ovaries.




On the plus side, I had a completely restful night of sleep, but if I ever see a girl who resembles the one in my dream, I am pretty sure I might punch her in the face.

it's almost midnight, closing up an interesting tuesday...

at work I got positive affirmations and got to talk with some people and just get to be goofy and silly even though I was working...

I got to go to lunch and just be me with a friend, by the way, pile ups are a great meal!

Today I was thinking about the song "Always Love" by Nada Surf, my current musical obession, and I remember driving down the I-5 talking with Grace about how implicently simple they can be lyrically at times and I put this song aside sometimes because of it, but the lyrics are actually really cool,corny, but cool-just love because pain will always have it's way if you don't.

I got to make some music after work and this is where it gets a little geeky so if you don't wanna hear, skip to the next paragraph: I ordered a new M-Audio interface today and got a new condeser mic so I can record more of what I want to do musically. I write songs everyday, and I need to start capturing them more. My friends ask me all the time to let them hear some of the music I have been making, and I think it's a good idea to do it moreso for me and me only.

So after the geekness, I am looking forward to see Damien Jurado on his fall tour, I know a little more but I can't say now, but will say more once it is right.

I got to see some friends tonight that I normally don't see, and as a result I probably looked like an a-hole to those I didn't pay enough attention to. It always happens like this, I try to be there for too many people and am inadvertenley a jerk to someone. It's not intended, I promise.

Tonight, I also got a call from a good friend tonight that worked out to be a great but short conversation. I will start off by saying that I am Christian, and because I speak up from time to time or I am nice to you does not mean I have some answer you are looking for, I have a love in my heart that I would love for everyone to know, but that is nothing I have ever wanted to push or sell to anyone, and just because I believe, doesn't mean I know it all on a subject. For a fews years, me and this friend were looked up to way too much and were put in really uncomfortable positions because we just wanted to help. Faith is a personal thing, and if people ask me, I will share, but that by no means makes me someone to look up to. We both talked about our experiences with this, and I let him know that is part of the reason I stopped talking to almost all of my friends for almost a whole year one time. Imagine everyone thinking they know you and they have no clue who you are outside of a certain setting...

We are who we are, and faith is something that is with us regardless for those who believe, not people's perceptions or expectations of you. People may look up to us for answers, but sometimes people just have unrealistic expectations of what someone should be. People are never the answer, that I do know...

so I am sitting here missing alot of people in my life who actually get me beyond what is percieved of me. if you think I am leaving you out of the loop, in most cases that is not intentional, just how it is right now.

Bands/Artists I am Mad at you for not checking out:

Eli Moore
Johanna Kunin
Casey Dienel
Spookey Ruben
The Blow
Arms
Chad VanGaalen
Jonah Mantraga
Thomas Denver Jonsson

Go over to the hype machine or find them on myspace and start making mixes!


I can promise nothing,
Steve

Dr. Katz and Dave Chappelle - Aquaman

Carbon dioxide and other gases warm the surface of the planet naturally by trapping solar heat in the atmosphere. This is a good thing because it keeps our planet habitable. However, by burning fossil fuels such as coal, gas and oil and clearing forests we have dramatically increased the amount of carbon dioxide in the Earths atmosphere and temperatures are rising.

The vast majority of scientists agree that global warming is real, its already happening and that it is the result of our activities and not a natural occurrence. The evidence is overwhelming and undeniable.

Were already seeing changes. Glaciers are melting, plants and animals are being forced from their habitat, and the number of severe storms and droughts is increasing.


The number of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes has almost doubled in the last 30 years.


Malaria has spread to higher altitudes in places like the Colombian Andes, 7,000 feet above sea level.


The flow of ice from glaciers in Greenland has more than doubled over the past decade.


At least 279 species of plants and animals are already responding to global warming, moving closer to the poles.



If the warming continues, we can expect catastrophic consequences.


Deaths from global warming will double in just 25 years -- to 300,000 people a year.


Global sea levels could rise by more than 20 feet with the loss of shelf ice in Greenland and
Antarctica, devastating coastal areas worldwide.


Heat waves will be more frequent and more intense.


Droughts and wildfires will occur more often.


The Arctic Ocean could be ice free in summer by 2050.


More than a million species worldwide could be driven to extinction by 2050.



There is no doubt we can solve this problem. In fact, we have a moral obligation to do so. Small changes to your daily routine can add up to big differences in helping to stop global warming. The time to come together to solve this problem is now Take Action!

The average American generates about 15,000 pounds of carbon dioxide every year from personal transportation, home energy use and from the energy used to produce all of the products and services we consume.

You have the power to make a difference. Small changes to your daily routine can add up to big changes in helping to stop global warming.


Reduce your impact at home.


Reduce your impact while on the move.


Help bring about change locally, nationally, and internationally.



After reducing your emissions you can do even more by going "carbon neutral." By supporting clean renewable energy, you can effectively neutralize your personal CO2 emissions. Your small investment will ensure that for every ton of carbon dioxide you are emitting, a ton of carbon dioxide will not be released into the atmosphere. Go NEUTRAL!

very important

With all the summer movies coming out, it's hard to pick the "best" ones.
Although some of you want to see movies like X-Men 3 or Superman Returns, or even Pirates two, it should be more important to note some of the deeper, more vital movies that have come out this summer as well. No, not "An Inconvenient Truth" (even though it was a movie everyone should see). I am speaking more so of the truly lifesearching, more meaningful movies, so here is my recommendations of what you should watch this summer:


"Step Up", not only does this movie claim to be the Hottest Movie of The Summer, it rips off the thought provoking classic "Save the Last Dance". I mean, formal dancing with hip hop dancing? How could you go wrong?


"Bring It On: All or Nothing", now this movie here really tackles the important issues in life. The other two movies, which you can usually see on the USA Network on Saturday afternoons (the USA "quality" time), are also movies that delve into the important issues such as high school social orders, the need to be shallow, and also some cheerleading, and we all know how important those are to us.





So when thinking about summer movies I suggest these two totally heartless and vacant movies.

you ever heard someone say "when the world was small", like the world just blew up and got too big for them as if their eyes were opened? What do you do when you feel the world is getting smaller? It's like that movie vanilla sky, you have this skewed little world that caters to you and your surroundings become like those video games where you start walking and they have all these cool backgrounds and then you try to walk to those cool parts and you just stop moving, not because you want to stop, but because you run out of world. this probably makes no sense to any of you, but it's how I feel. like I am in a dream and I am ready to wake up.

Zao @ The Chapel - 1998 - Part three (A Fall Farewell)

Kevin Will Enjoy This.

White Daisy Passing

oh wow, so much to say...

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

what the crap!?

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Three Indian doctors caught on camera apparently agreeing to amputate the healthy limbs of beggars are to be questioned by the Indian Medical Council, an official said Tuesday.


Secretly filmed footage taken by the CNN-IBN news channel and broadcast Saturday showed one of the doctors asking for 10,000 rupees (about $215) to amputate a lower leg, leaving a stump that may draw sympathy -- and a few rupees -- from passersby.

He then suggests chopping off three fingers from the man's left hand.

Police said one of the three doctors had been questioned and denied the allegations, but that no arrests had been made.

The doctor, from Ghaziabad in the north Indian state of Uttar Pradesh and a satellite town of the capital, New Delhi, explains how he can stitch up blood vessels in a healthy limb, causing it to blacken with gangrene over a few days.

A prospective beggar can be booked into the doctor's claiming to have had an accident, and then have the amputation carried out without raising eyebrows, he explains.

"Believe me if there are two beggars in front of you and one of them is lame, you will give the money to the lame beggar," the station recorded him as saying in Hindi.

Dr Indrajit Ray, who chairs the Medical Council of India's ethics committee, said the three doctors would be summoned to appear before the committee later this month but was unable to say whether they were registered with the council.

If found guilty, they would almost certainly be permanently banned from practicing in India, he said.

"This is a very painful situation for me as a member of the medical profession," he said. "This is most uncivilized and butcher-like activity. It cannot be supported under any circumstances."

The TV station sent a "fake beggar" along to see the doctor at his Ghaziabad clinic after hearing he offered the amputations. Their meeting was secretly filmed.

CNN-IBN said it was trying to expose the activities of a country-wide network of "beggar mafia dons" who exploit the destitute, forcing beggars working in their patch to hand over their alms, and maiming them to maximize revenue.

A beggar in New Delhi told the channel he had been tricked into going for a medical check-up on the promise of a job. He came round after an injection to find one of his legs missing.




________

OK, Now look at this guy! No offense to him, but the doctors must be idiots to want to steal his limbs. He is healthy by no means, and they want his arms and legs?

Didn't they know that leprosy still ravages this country and that the poor and destitute are in many cases gravely ill?

What the crap!?