JP's Fault This Was Stuck In My Head

Sleepless eyes open wide, before Heaven I stand againIf there's no winning this war tonight, I was wonderingIf you could steady my spinning head
And trusting gets harder nowI wish you were here beside meMy failures my fears and doubtsHave been haunting meI'm just not who I thought I'd be
Freefall, weightless and terrifiedOn I go, crossing over from living to so aliveAnd purifiedI know weeping is case for the nightAnd joy...
Thought I was a good man, and fell short of my standardsNow what am I left with? All or nothingAnd my first taste of freedom
Freefall, weightless and terrifiedOn I go, crossing over from living to so aliveAnd purifiedI know weeping is case for the nightAnd joy...
If I fall downIf I fail YouWhen I fall downWhen I fail YouI hope to find You thereI hope to find You thereI know I'll find You thereI've always found You thereWhen I fall down, down
Freefall, weightless and terrifiedOn I go, crossing over from living to so aliveAnd purifiedI know weeping is case for the nightAnd joy comes in the morning

On Saturday, me and Al were hanging out and sharing some song ideas. His nephew Justin, came by and we all just started talking about music. We ended up going out to the country and playing music until about 3 in the morning. It's a nice vibe to be out in the middle of nowhere with the moonlight, just playing music. somewhere in that time people where trying to jump on donkeys while me and al kept saying "hey lionel ricthie, you ain't gettin' paid to dance-ass", and justin kept getting charged by a pregnant goat that wanted to ram him. But mostly, the music made the night for me. on a side note, too much water is a bad thing. trust me.

So the other day, I was driving around. I needed to clear my mind, and I saw the greatest thing. Well, not the greatest thing. But, I saw something totally awesome. I was driving around the resevoir, and right in front of the resevoir is the community center, and inside I guess they were doing some sort of seminar for parapalegics. But outside it was pure greatness. I saw these guys on motorized wheelchairs do donuts out in the parking lot. this one guy was doing a wheeley (yes it had enough wheels to necessitate a wheeley), and the others where cheering him on. It was like God telling me that even though I can be in dark days, there is still something to smile about it.

I'll never forget the day when I was eleven and I was laying in my bed, and you came down and laid next to me, I fell asleep, and woke up hours later, and you were still there laying with me. You were mine, and I Love you so much.

Today, during what was supposed to be my lunch, I met this guy from Wisconsin. He was crying and I could tell that he needed someone to talk to. I let him know that, "I'm nobody special, but you could talk to me." -To which he did. He let me know that his fiance back home in WI had been with another man recently and this guy seemed so awesome to me because of his responses to her. He let me know that in order for them to still be together, that he needed that other guy out of her life, something they are still working out. But the fact that he understood and loved her enough to not blow up at her. He went into how he shouldn't just dump it all on her how he felt and how he could understand that people love differently and that even though she was in the wrong, he could put his own personal emotions and hurt aside to think about her and how she feels. "This is not something that will be resolved overnight", he told me, and it seemed like instead of having someone to talk with, he just needed someone to listen. It made me think about my own life and how I listen alot, but sometimes not enough. ya know? We all Love different and we should be loving enough to accept that and work things out. This guy from WI, he didn't want to give me his name (which I could understand), talked with me and at me, and taught me. It's funny how you think you know something, but then when you apply it to yourself, it is a whole other story. I am glad I missed lunch.

Last night, we were watching this Rob Bell Video, most of his stuff is really cool, although sometimes I feel it markets to the tooth and nail crowd more than I would personally prefer. But the video last night was probably the best thing I have ever seen him do. He spoke about forgiveness and how when we try to seek revenge or our own answers we essentially say that we try to do God's work and tell him that we don't trust him to right the wrongs or hurts put on us. Although I would tell anyone that, he said it in a way that I just knew it is something that he had struggled with, and it really hit me. Me and JP were talking the other day, and then with Adam the day before, about emotional self versus spiritual self, and how that when you mix the two, it can be somewhat dangerous at points. Emotional can only cover so much, and me-being the emotional drunkard that I am- needs that spiritual side to be there to get the better of me, because it is the better of me for the most part. What struck me the most about this, is that I tend to be the voice of reason for many, and that I don't take what I say to others and apply it to myself as much. It's funny how something so simple can also be so hard, and profound. Forgiveness can be freedom.

I can't stay hurt all the time, I just can't. I forget about all the other things in my life. I have to be strong, I have to fight that part of me. Insecurities are a messed up thing, but I have to fight them. I know what I want in life, and I can't just hurt all the time. I will have my needs in life, and my wants will have to be just that for now. The only danger of the path I am thinking about taking now is that there is a good chance that I might become a cold and callous person instead of an enlightened, content one. I don't want to be a person that doesn't talk to anyone for a few years, or is afraid to live. If anyone had anything to say to me, now would be the time to do it, because I am ready to hear whatever, good or bad. I Love You All.

Goals for this year:
1. New Job-Check.
2. Laptop-Wednesday.
3. Move- Working on it.

Do you ever feel sometimes like you are going to just literally explode?

thank you jp

By J.P.
It seems recently that death has been my ever-present companion. In the last month, I attended three funerals in three weeks, one of which was for my mother-in-law. She died quite suddenly, and ironically we were returning home from a wake for a mutual friend when she suffered a violent stroke. These brushes with death have had me pondering; please ponder with me a bit.
In Paul’s magnum opus, Romans, amidst a list of instructions on how a Christian ought to behave, lies an often-ignored instruction concerning our conduct toward the bereaved and downtrodden:
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15 (NIV)
Another rendering from The Message reads: “Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down.”
Why is this verse so important? I’ll tell you from experience: The last thing someone wants to hear when their world has just caved in is that “everything is going to be all right.” Well, at least I don’t want to hear that. Why? Because this can be like being told that your feelings don’t matter.
Well-intentioned folks seem armed to the teeth with pithy sayings, Internet forwards and half-quoted Bible verses to help you. Perhaps this well-intentioned effort stems from the misunderstanding that Christians are meant to be “happy all the day” (as the hymn relates). We are to be victorious, strong, upwardly mobile, persevering. And this understanding of the Christian life seems to leave no room for the gritty business of mourning. Yet if God had not intended to allow periods of despondency, would he have given us Lamentations? Why did Jesus weep openly? Does he not suffer with his children in some way beyond our understanding? Intentions are not in question here, but effectiveness is. Nothing rubs salt in the wound of loss like the feeling that one’s pain is being minimized.
So I am here to tell you that it is all right not to be happy all the day. Furthermore, that there are times when one would simply be foolish to be that way. You see, my family is amply acquainted with loss. My wife has lost seven loved ones in the last seven years, among them were her parents and two unborn children. She is 24. We have cried as David cried, until we could weep no more (1 Samuel 30). Yes, joy came in the morning (Psalm 30:5), but in those moments, fear, anger and despair set in like a tsunami, even though we know that our God is always with us.
It is beneficial to be reminded of God’s goodness, yet sometimes Christians are so quick to comfort that they do not even seem to be listening. This leaves believers looking callous instead of compassionate. Timeliness is of the essence. Intentions are not in question here, but effectiveness is and nothing rubs salt in a wound like the feeling that one’s pain is being minimized. Sometimes what someone needs more than anything is simply to hear, “Man, that is really awful, and I am so sorry.” And in the moment, that can be enough.
I have to say that in the midst of our recent loss, we were so blessed by our church, many of whom simply mourned with us. Perhaps that is, in part, because they know what that salt can feel like. In their moments of despair, they just needed to know that it was OK not to feel — OK.
So when someone mourns, mourn with them. Then when it is time to say, “Things will be OK,” laugh the darkness away together.

I am losing my freaking mind. Have you ever stressed so much that it came across to you physically? I don't like to ever say things about me, and most of the time it is because I feel that people don't want to know, I mean, if they wanted to know, they'd ask? wouldn't they? or they would leave me the room to tell them right? my friends, I have been keeping something in me that I have to get out, and my good friend tito has the best policy on that "just have everything out in the open", insecurities aside, it doesn't always work like that. Since about last january, my mother was diagnosed with mental illness, and I could have probably told more people, but really "how do you tell people that?". have you ever had to be the parent to your parents? She is mentally cognisent most of the time, and she is loved by so many, but I feel like a hostage most of my life in that regard. I feel like I deny myself things in life because I would feel so bad not being there for her. fuck, now I am crying typing this. I am sorry for not telling all of you, I mean, I just told JP yesterday, and he has been a close friend in my life since 1994. I am losing sleep, I have been shaking, and I am visibily disturbed that she is in the hospital right now. She's not even in there for that, and it makes me still stand on end. Our parents are supposed to be the constants in our lives and it's hard to see how my dad has to go through this, and that my mom will say things on occasion that she has no idea why she said them. she really has been getting better due to medication, no weird occasions have happened in a while. just seeing the way she was and having to take her into the hospital I dunno how to explain it, it's my mom. my mom. to top this off, I never try to put conditions on how I should love and treat people, and then it happens to me, and that's a really unfair statement to some, but nevertheless how I feel. please don't leave me pity replies or try to call and make sure steve is okay, all of you. I am just really stressed in my life right now, and I don't see it getting too much better soon. so if you ever wonder why I am vague, I am have been fighting this major insecurity in my life. I didn't really want to type this and I must sound like a complete emotional wreck. I probably am. I hope this gives some of you a better understanding as to why I am weird sometimes. I love you all and I want to be there for all of you, I'm just a little fucked up right now.

I am the day of current taste

I think that I make exceptions for myself. "Oh man, you friends are sick?" and I am there for them. "Oh man, your cat died" and I am there for them. And even though my mother lies sick in a hospital and I have had countless friends call me and express their prayers, I still feel like I make exceptions for myself. I can't help but feel her pain from the shooting sensation of potassium concentrates going up her arm as I know it is there to make her feel better, but I she's my mom, and when my constants are threatened, my whole life feels threatened. I know that people are there for me, it just seems so hard and so lonely sometimes. Even though I know better, why do I fight myself?

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Start Your Laughing Now.

So I had this dream last night that I somehow was the new guitarist for Craig's Brother. Does anyone even remember them? I think we were on tour in Europe and I was playing an SG that I don't have, and then when my D string broke, I replaced it with one from my telecaster (which I do own). We played "Potential", "Insult To Injury", "Divorce", and a host of others, and in my dream they treated me pretty nice. But why did I have this dream? I haven't listened to Craig's Brother since the Homecoming album came out. Infact, this really isn't a genre of music that I listen to that much anymore. Anyway, I just thought that this was weird. I think, if for some reason, that were to occur today, I would probably get kicked out because I would want to play a different style of music. I think I could handle the guitar playing, but now I am into the rambling section of this blog. Craig's Brother? Weird.

For whatever reason, I have been listening to alot of 90's music lately. It makes me think of how I go in these musical circles where I will rotate back to something. Sometimes rediscovery is just as good as discovery. Although, the weirdest part is how you can associate music with memories and where you were at in life at the time when you first heard absorbed it. LP2 by sdre is one of these particular albums for me, it reminds me of the time I got it, I remember it clearly. Me and Kevin drove an hour out of town, and I was going through a weird time in my life, and I had already been in love with the diary album. We were both listening to alot of hardcore at the time as well, I remember that cd so much as a breath of fresh air. Not only did it not sound like diary, but it just sounded like someone who first found joy. Reading back on what the band and more particulary what J. Enigk was going through at the time when this was written was something similar to my own experiences. The discovery of joy and it's confusion and all that went along with it. The last time I listened to it, I was in Washington driving back from the Ocean on a very great day in my life. It seems this album is the album that God made to cheer me up, he might have used sdre to do it, but it worked. To this day, when I hear "Red Elephant", I sense something good and new on the horizon. I love how that album makes me feel.